I Survived and So Can You. A Domestic Abuse Story

My Sophomore year of High School I fell in love, little did I know at the time the person I had fallen for would help set off a change of events that would forever impact my live in such a negative way.

There are two sides to every story and I am not blameless in my story. I don’t blame myself for being abused but I do blame myself for not walking away long before I did. I wish I had had more confidence back then to realize I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was. I wish I would have known the true damage I was causing not only myself but everyone who cared about me. I wish I would have had a magic ball so that I could have seen that my future was going to be as blessed as it is, to know that I didn’t need to put myself through all that pain. I thought I knew what love was, when he told me he was sorry I believed him every single time because I loved him and I thought he loved me which meant he would change. When he told me that no one would ever want me or love me the way he did I thought that was true I just didn’t know at the time that the way he loved and wanted me was not the right or healthy way. The bruises, cuts, scrapes, and physical pain always faded but every time they would leave another crack on my heart. The emotional abuse was worse than the physical because he truly made me feel like I was worthless without him, he broke me. Until one day I just had enough. Finally, after several years something finally snapped and I decided no more. I didn’t want to continue down this path because I knew if I didn’t walk away, I would end up dead.

The abuse started extremely slow and it was almost a year before it actually got physical. Prior to him putting his hands on me I was unaware I was already in an abusive relationship and by the time he did hit me I was so far in and so under his control I already wasn't thinking straight. 

 He was several months older then me so the fact that he had his license and always wanted to drive me around seemed cool to me but the minute I started driving on my own and he lost that control he went crazy. Back then we didn’t have cell phones so if I wasn’t at home or with him, he had no way to get a hold of me and I guess he just didn’t like that. Even though he had broken me down in order to have control over me it still didn’t change the fact that I would argue or talk back, one day we got into a fight about who knows what and he slapped me across the face. I was in shock but instead of walking away I believed his lies that he was sorry and it would never happen again. Over the next few years I was kicked, punched, slapped, pinched, had my hair pulled, thrown out of a moving car, and much more.

When I was 16, we had just left a School dance and got into yet another fight, I talked back so this time when we were at the stop sign he grabbed me by the hair and bashed my head on the glove box. Somehow, I was able to hide all of the marks he left though he was pretty good about leaving them in places that could be hidden. Each and every time I forgave him, I believed the broken promises. He would shower me with gifts, he would plead with me, he would threaten to kill himself, he would tell me no one would ever love me like he did. And I believed him every time.

Eventually my Parents caught wind that our relationship was toxic though they didn’t know just how bad he was hurting me. They told me I wasn’t allowed to see him so that only caused me to sneak around and hide things more.

Not only was he abusive but he was a bad influence as he was the one who introduced me to every drug I ever did. He got me into drinking alcohol too and since I had to sneak around to see him, I did most of that during School hours by skipping class.

I tried several times over my Junior year to break things off that’s when my Dad’s truck got vandalized having the tires slashed on two different days while it was parked at School and keyed on another. It got to the point where I had special permission to park in the Staff’s parking lot instead of the Students in order to have more protection. I got an endless amount of harassing phone calls to my personal phone line and messages left on my answering machine that I tried to hide from my Parents. But still I was blind to everything he was doing and would always forgive him. He would say it was the drugs or alcohol somehow blame me for making him act that way, or sweet talk me until I was back in his arms. Sure, I had a few friends who told me I didn’t deserve to be treated like that but no one truly knew just how bad it was. Plus, everyone loved him because he was the life of the party. 

I wanted my Senior year to be different. I wanted to be with my friends I wanted to have fun. So, I tried to keep away from him but he was at all the parties and hung out with almost all the same people I did. No one wanted to date me because everyone was afraid of what he would do. So, I felt more alone than ever and he always knew what to say to sweet talk his way back in.

One day early in the year I got my belly button pieced, I was super excited but when I went to his house to show him, he went off on me saying I only did that so other guys would look at me and then he proceeded to attempt to pull the piecing off my body. His sister could hear the commotion and came into the room screaming at him to stop. Instead of leaving him I ended up removing my belly ring. He had this way of usually making me feel like whatever happened was my own fault. On New Year’s Eve that year we were not together we hadn’t been in several weeks and it was my understanding he was dating someone at the time. I was at a friend’s party having a great time when all of a sudden, he showed up because apparently someone had told him I was there the next thing I knew he is dragging me outside by my arm screaming at me. He ripped off the necklace I was wearing but before it got worse a friend came to my rescues and he left.

It wasn’t long after that that I stopped by a small court house with one of my friends and asked if I could speak to a judge. I wanted to get away but didn’t have the strength to do it on my own and for some reason felt like I couldn’t turn to my Parents. When I spoke to the judge about everything going on and asked for his help, he turned on me saying that he wasn’t going to help someone who kept going back. I left the court that day in tears and back into the arms of my abuser.

It only got worse from there, he was becoming more and more violent and didn’t really care who was around to see it anymore. Even though we weren’t officially dating anymore we also couldn’t stay away from each other.  One day when coming back from having lunch off campus he showed up and approached me he grabbed my wallet and ran back to his vehicle. I started yelling for help so our School’s security guard came running instead of stopping for the guard he ran over his foot threw my wallet out the window and ran off. Of course, the guard pressed charges, months later I went to court to pled with the judge saying the whole thing was my fault. Even though the very next day after that incident he approached me again this time during lunch grabbed my wrists as he physically threatened me if I pressed charges and threatened to burn down my house if I got a restraining order against him. It wasn’t until I found the police report recently while doing some research that I found out he was arrested that day and charged with Aggravated Assault and Terroristic Threat. He was released after just 24 hours on a $2,000 bond. 

Things started to get better, for a while it was getting closer to graduation and all the fun events that go along with that. With Prom being around the corner I had a close friend ask me to be his date and I was thrilled I had already started designing my dress but then word got around. My friend came up to me in class one day white as if he saw a ghost and told me that my ex came up to him in the parking lot and threaten him with a gun saying if he took me to prom, he would regret it. I was crushed but completely understood why my friend was backing out. Feeling like I had nothing left to do I asked my ex if he would take me to my prom, of course he was thrilled which was his plan from the beginning but when I went to purchase the tickets to the dance the Principal called my Mom to warn her. My Mom didn’t understand I didn’t want to go to my prom alone and that no one would take me knowing who my ex was she just thought I was trying to get back with him. Maybe a part of me was because I felt like I had no other options. I felt trapped. It was my fault because I kept taking him back but every time I would turn to get help I felt like it was no use. He always got out on bond or let go with a warning when I pressed charges. I felt like I couldn't escape. 

When I told him, he couldn’t take me to prom of course he lost it.  The Monday before Prom while out to lunch with friends he showed up grabbed me by the throat, and forced me into his car he made two attempts before he was successful and could drive off he keep saying if he couldn’t have me no one could have me and just talking crazy, I told him that I loved him and I would get back with him in an attempt to calm him down and gain a little control as soon as he let go of my arm I was able to jump out of the car and run off. My friend drove me straight to the police station where I filed my 3^rd report on him for assault. The following day my Mom was called to the School for a meeting with the on-campus police officer, my ex had called in a threat to kill me at the prom coming up that Friday.  That was the day I finally got a Protective order. My ex couldn’t come within so many feet of me or where I was and he couldn’t contact me at all but that didn’t stop him. He found a way to call me in tears confessing his need for me in his life and how much he loved me. He informed me his Parents were sending him off to another state so that we would stay away from each other. I finally felt some relieve but I was also heartbroken. I don’t know if my Mom convinced the School to still let me attend or if the School assured my Mom, I would be okay especially since he had been sent to away but I was allowed to attend my prom. 

I don’t know how long he was out of the state but it wasn’t long because he was soon sending a girl to my workplace in his car in attempts to get my attention. And as soon as the expiration date was up on the protective order the harassing phone calls started back up. By this time, I was so broken I was just going through the everyday motions. I went on to graduate High School and was looking forward to starting college in the fall.

I had a tough time adjusting after graduation my closest friend at the time moved miles away and all my other friends were going in different directions. I was feeling so lonely but I tried so hard to break the cycle I kept myself busy working and when I had days off, I would go visit my friend who had moved or I would hang out with my brothers. But the harassing didn’t end he some how found out where I was working and would leave notes, he continued to call and leave me messages one would be nice then it would go downhill from there is I didn’t call him back. I became known at the police department, each time they would take my report. In early August there was finally a warrant issued for his arrest for Stalking. He was booked and incarcerated receiving a bond of $15,000, his Parents quickly bailed him out yet again. When he went to court for this month later, he pled no contest and was placed on probation.

Somehow through all of that and more one day I FINALLY said ENOUGH I am Enough. I deserve better and I can do better. It took a lot of strength but I did it, I got away, I SURVIVED! 

I am still haunted by abuse that I put up with all those years ago. I am now happily married to a man who treats me with respect and puts my needs above his own. I have two beautiful, smart, caring children who adore me. I live an extremely blessed life, one that a lot of people hope for yet when I go to sleep at night, I still have nightmares and when I am awake, I sometimes still replay those years in my head wondering why I didn’t walk away the 1^st time. The boy who became my nightmare went on to continue a life breaking the law and ended up passing away before he even turned 30. So why when it is clear that he was the damaged one do I still feel broken?

Every time I watch a Lifetime movie, see a Dateline, 48 hours, or 20/20 episode on abuse it stirs things up and instead of saying “why did they stay” I say “thank God I got out” or “I get it” because unless you are in those shoes and I pray that you never are you will not understand. Abuse doesn’t happen overnight it is something that happens over time and without you really knowing that it is happening until it gets really bad.

I finally met a young man who treated me with respect who showed me that I did deserved better. He had a lot to do with teaching me my strength and helped me begin to heal. He might not have ended up being my forever person but I will forever be thankful for him. 

16 years ago, I met my husband, my forever person and he showed me what true happiness is, he has shown me my worth, he pushes me to be my best while loving the person that I am. He respects me and takes care of me making sure that I come first. He makes me feel safe. Together we have built a life that is wonderful.

I still struggle with my mental health but I have a lot of more good days then I do bad ones. I have a very blessed life, one that I am proud of. It hasn’t always been easy but it has been worth it. I think God everyday that I am alive, that I am healthy, that I am happy, that I am loved.